Day Eight

DAY 8

Planned for God’s Pleasure

Well it’s nice to know someone wanted me for their pleasure. Growing up, before I had knowledge of who God was, or even after I did, I still didn’t know who exactly He was. But I knew who my earthly father was. I have seen home movies of the years before I was in school. I saw him playing with me, playing catch, trying to help me ride a three wheel bike, that sort of stuff when I was still under the age of 3 or 4. I don’t have memories of that time, just the visual of the movies I have seen. But boy do I have memories of after the age of five. I have heard it said that before we understand God we tend to put our thoughts and feelings of our earthly parents ONTO God. How out earthly father treats us is sometimes how we relate to a heavenly father. For me, making a mistake meant I was a BAD KID, so said my dad. So I grew up feeling that this was how God view me when I would do and or FEEL the wrong things. I must be a bad kid to feel or do the things the bible says is a sin. As a child or young teenager, I had never studied the bible or been taught yet the things that made God the Father any different from any other FATHER. I heard terms like God’s Wrath, God’s anger, so what was different than that of my own dad? He sure had both of those under his belt, and I felt that belt so God and my dad must be the same. So I was scared of both. As a child I learned I could go to God with any problem I had in prayer and He would answer. I thought it was that simple. When I was nine years old I went forward in church down the aisle to receive Christ and asked the pastor “Can God save me from the things I do wrong, and from my dad?” Well I prayed and prayed everyday for God to save me again and again, but He never did, at least from my dad. So did GOD really love me? This is how I grew up thinking. Why wouldn’t he answer me? Or save me from my dad? Wasn’t He listening to me? Didn’t He care about the little boy who was scared to come home from school or go to bed at night? Where was God in those nightmares when I was being chased by those devils? Or when I woke up and they were in the room with me? So now I am reading that God made me for His pleasure. Were you God taking pleasure in all of this? I don’t think so. But I was praying. I know you heard me. Were you crying for me? I bet you wished you had created something else besides FREE WILL THEN UH? Yea I know, you saw the future, yea I know, the ultimate “it will be alright, just a little bit longer and you will be ok”. A little bit longer to Him was a lifetime to me. Maybe that was why I became so defiant and turned my back and said “MY TURN..MY LIFE..MY FUN. I am going to find my own pleasure. NO one ever stopped all the hurting for in the past so I will just do what ever it take to take all the pain away from now on. How was I to know the choices I was going to make weren’t the right ones? No one ever taught me anything to the contrary any way. I guess that is what growing up was all about. Making your own choices and mistakes (mine just the same ones over and over and over again). But I think God always saw my pain and my frustration, He knew my heart and knew all the things I should have had and missed out on. This is where I knew He felt sorrow. And why he always kept those two females so close to me at all times, GRACE AND MERCY.

I am sure it was just as rough on HIM as it was on me allowing me to go through everything I had to get me to where I am this minute to see me like I told Wayne on the bus the other day when I told him “Look at me, I’m in a wheelchair and I am more happy today than when I had legs, a car and a job with power and a paycheck.” And I meant every word of it! Back then even with all that material and physical gain, my heart was a mess, my head was in the clouds, and my life was one big roller coaster heading out of control. And to top it off, God was no where in sight, at least in my eyes. Oh HE peeked in every once in a while when I was at my worst and He want to give me a message. But that only caused me to become paranoid and run and hide in or under something. But it left me with one thing I can never forget for the rest of my life. GOD IS PRESENT AT ALL TIMES. Not just when I pray. Not just when I call His name. He is in ME which mean where ever I am what ever I am doing what ever I am thinking HE IS PRESENT. There is no escaping the presence and the love of GOD no matter how far I try to run or hide. No matter what I am doing He will always be there. He IS a part OF me. It is only in my mind if I choose to include Him or not, but He will be there anyway no matter if I want to acknowledge Him in it or not. I am NOT alone. I have never BEEN alone. I am not ALONE right now. Someone else may not see Him or feel Him in the room. Anyone else may not hear His voice speaking in the room but He is never silent anymore. There is always a conversation going on. And I don’t need another pill to stop it. When a Dr. asks me “Mike are you hearing voices?” I better be careful what I say. They just might want to lock me up again. So what ever it is I do all day there are two of us together doing them. A song I wrote last week is titled “TALK TO ME” and that is just what we do. I to Him and HE to me, ALL THE TIME. Praying isn’t something with your eyes closed and your head bowed, It’s a constant conversation with your best friend that is in the room. Remember He can feel lonely to if He is ignored and standing or sitting right there. How would you feel if someone you were in the room with paid you no mind?