Day Nine

DAY 9

What Makes God Smile?

Well to start off with, I know what doesn’t make Him smile. I spent many many years running and thinking I could get far away from Him. I thought God would never find me in a gay bar and definitely NOT in a bath house with a needle full of Crystal Meth in my arm. If storms were God’s tears there should have been more thunder in the skies on the weekends in the 1980’s than ever reported in the history of the world. And not just God’s but also mine. I never knew a grown boy could cry so desperately so much as I did those years. All I was searching for was just a few simple answers to life’s most needed questions, WHO AM I? Where do I belong? My search began very early in life and I thought I started in the right places growing up in church and befriending pastors and counselors. They misguided me right from the start. Some didn’t even think to pray with me. So my life really has been a journey ALL MY OWN. Even the men and women with the degrees on the wall I sought out from time to time had nothing to offer but coffee table book rememdies with no substance. So it was always back to the proverbial drawing board with a big eraser and one more time I was starting over from scratch. But one thing I can say about myself is I NEVER GAVE UP! I was determined to get out of life what I deserved, no matter how long it took, no matter what I had to do or go through. Yea I had to fight to get here, myself number one. I was my own worst enemy. I was ready to take myself out at a moments notice over almost anything. It almost worked a few times too. Once after a weekend of extreme partying and making it to work at five in the morning on Monday, it was only six o’clock before I was calling Brad my Chief of Operations to come in and relieve me. After he came in and I went home and tried for an hour to sleep and couldn’t, I went into the bathroom and emptied the small container of cocaine into a spoon and tried to get it all into my vein. But with the plunger only half way pushed down into my vein I began to feel a rush so strong and like none other I had ever felt I pulled the needle out and crawled to my bed. For forty five minutes I held my chest and prayed my heart wouldn’t come bursting out of it. I took my pulse and watched the second hand on the clock on the wall in front of me, my heart beat 55 times in 15 seconds. That was 220 times a minute. After an hour maybe a little longer I realized two things. One, I wasn’t going to die and two, there was a needle in the bathroom that was still half full of the drug I had done an hour or so ago, so back into the bathroom to repeat the same ordeal once again. That is what I meant by “At a moments notice over anything or over nothing at all” I was trying to end something and at the same time never giving up on trying to find answers to life’s questions. They just weren’t in a spoon and a needle.

So what makes God happy, falling in Love with Him? For many years I knew OF God. I knew the stories about God. Of course, I taught them growing up so wasn’t that enough? I thought it was. But my life never resembled the kind of life of someone that was IN LOVE with him. I had only ever been in love with two things in my life. The first one was Crystal Meth Amphetamine and a man named Baldemar Julio Camacho. In that order, the first one at 22 years old and the second one at 26 years old. How do you know, how did I know I was IN LOVE with the two of them? My world was centered around them. I talked about them. I praised them in public and to my friends. They had a special place in my heart; in fact they had my WHOLE heart. Everything I did was for them. I worked to afford her. I made time to use her. I gave up everything to spend more time with her. And when Camacho came into my life I let HER go. Not by choice or thinking, she just disappeared. But when Camacho was gone at different times for any length of time, SHE would return like she had never left. That place in my heart she had was never really gone. She just patiently waited for her turn to come back in. They both knew of each other but never met each other. There was never a need. I was the only one that couldn’t live without one of them. I had to have at least one of the in my life to get through that time in my life. Camacho entered my life at a time of my life that was very vital. If he hadn’t been the one that was there, things in my life would have been very different, in fact he might have been someone God arranged to actually save my life. I am sure before this journal is finished this story will come out.

So how did I go from Head Knowledge and Story Book telling to Falling in Love with the man upstairs? Forty seven years of watching Him stand by my side, seeing Him rescue me out of some circumstances that I never could have gotten myself out of, and experiencing some things that can only be described as supernatural, literally. But more over than all of that, the feeling that I have that I am never alone and never was no matter if it was in those bars or sex clubs, He was always there right beside me. Always watching, always protecting, and that He was always hurting with me, always crying FOR ME. My sins had been paid for so it was my pain He could see when I was in my despair in those dark and lonely places. I went head of heals and gave my whole heart for the things I loved once, so why is it no wonder the way I live my life now. HEAD OVER HEALS FOR CHRIST. I couldn’t shut up about my feelings for Camacho. When we broke up the first time after a year and a half, I quit my job just to go on a two month vacation with Crystal. Well there is no breaking up anymore, No crystal to go on vacation with anymore. Just a marriage that will last forever that no one can separate me from. From the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I fall asleep at night we are together. If I wake up in the middle of the night, we can talk, I can pray some more. Why else would He wake me up? He has something HE needs to say to me or He just wants to hear my voice one more time. Where ever I go we go together. Who ever I meet we meet together. What ever I do we do together. He is the best companion that no one can see but me. Worry and stress have disappeared. They don’t dare follow us around. What ever I do is worship because He is the reason I am doing what ever it is. Taking care of me or out taking care of others, it’s all the same in HIS NAME.