Day Twenty

DAY 20

Restoring Broken Fellowship

Letting go of my Rage

Conflict, I grew up with it all around me. Someone was always shouting, arguing, fighting, and getting mad at someone for something. The wall of grudges ran deep within me. “I’ll get you my pretty” as the wicked witch said in the Wizard of Oz riding her broom in the storm. I would sit around thinking up ways to get back at my sister for something she had done all the time. And when I did figure out just what I was going to do, I planned it well, and when I executed it, she knew I was getting even. Even though I knew I was going to get in the worst trouble I had ever been in, so what, no one ever punished her, so I did the punishing for my parents and took what ever I got because I usually got it anyway. So I just thought I might as well get even with her in the mean time. But as I grew up, because of all the fighting and yelling that went on in the house when I was younger, anytime someone raised their voice, inside I backed down. I didn’t like to hear loud voices or angry voices being used. No matter what the topic was, if it was said with a loud or harsh voice, I cowered inside. I never felt like I could stand up for myself and speak up for myself because I was always made to feel like I was the bad kid just because that is what I was told for so many years. This is why I probably felt safe being around the kids in church from the time I was a teenager instead of friends my own age. Not much conflict there. And if there was any, at least I was the older on who was in charge and could be the one to resolve them instead of being the one in the midst of them usually. So I felt very comfortable as a manager of a business in my twenties being a boss over many employees. I only had one man over me. That was Brad and even though I learned how to argue with him, I felt safe that I could express my anger and not have the threat of being hurt and that at the end of the day, what ever the argument was about, it ended when we locked the office door. But in my personal life, when there was personal conflict, personal pain in a relationship, casual or intimate, it only took once for me to get hurt and instead of discussing it I just learned it was better to walk away and not wait for another round of when will you do this again. It was easier than trying to face the issue and wait for it to happen again. That is why I went through friends as fast as lighting strikes sometimes. All was good until there was the first disagreement. Then depending on the level of disagreement or the circumstance, it could be over as quickly as it started. My voice could raise to levels unknown without me even knowing it at a snap of a finger with so my intensity over nothing. Rage would be a good word for it. In fact many people asked where mine came from and I would answer “WHAT RAGE?” The one who are displaying right now they would say. I guess I would hold so much in that when it finally did come out, every bit of anger that I had been holding in for so long came out all at once and the poor soul that was in front of me at the time was the one who was the proud recipient or it all.

When I first read this chapter, I couldn’t thing of anyone that I had any conflict with. Life has been pretty peaceful for quite a while. BUT then yesterday just out of the blue, something happened that could have reincarnated my rage all over again. I was asked to leave the Mall with my service animals by an uneducated security guard that just had no idea who he was messing with. Instead I left the mall after letting him know I would be taking care of this issue with his bosses and maybe even a lawyer. But not once did I raise my voice, shout, cuss, swear, or promise myself to take revenge. I did do some internet searching for things to present to them next time I am in the Mall. I did contact the mall operations manager today and had a discussion with Cindy the Manager of the Mall and explained to her the situation and what my views were and what my situation was in detail concerning my animals and my reasons for having them, She understood and was able to see my views and as well as I did hers. We finally came to an agreement that we could both live with and that I feel no other legal action needs to take place at this time. But I also was able to find out that the operations manager of the security officers had a bad experience as a small child and is very afraid of my kind of animals so it is also his own issues with them that is playing a part in his decision making processes. Sad that I have to deal with his childhood fears but not right at the same time. So instead of just backing down and getting angry and frustrated and doing or saying anything I shouldn’t, I calmly made the proper phone calls to the proper people and calmly stated my concerns and was polite and to the point and resolve the problem with no conflicts like I usually created all by myself in the past. I am proud that I did this. And it just wasn’t for me but for my animals and all the folks that get to enjoy them when I take them for a ride with me. Maybe it is because my and my prayer partner had just finished prayed a short while ago. Maybe I am just growing in the Lord. Maybe Jesus is becoming more and more a part of me everyday the more and more I trust him to take control and let him handle the big and the small things in my life so I can enjoy life and let life be what He wants it to be for me, abundant.